Someday
by speechless97
Summary: She wanted to change, maybe with some foolish hope that what she saw would change too, that maybe she'd be forgiven. Kind of a post-ep for 'Epilogue'. Enjoy!


**[This popped into my head while watching 'Epilogue' and I decided to give it a shot. Enjoy!]**

"_All men should strive  
>to learn before they die<br>what they are running from, and to, and why."-_James Thurber

She'd be lying if she said she didn't think about it.

Truth was, every day she found herself reliving it, as much as it hurt. She would try to block it away, but the memories of that day with Doyle just came flooding back.

Yeah, the fight had been terrible. Seeing Derek's pain as he held her hand and told her he forgave her just about broke her heart too. But the ride to the hospital in the ambulance, the ER, that's what haunted her the most.

She hadn't told anyone yet, even though there were six people she bet were willing to listen. But she'd tried to forget about it herself, to never have to talk about it.

But now, this case. She wasn't going to say anything when the topic of near-dying first came up. She just buried it inside herself, hoping she'd forget, that somehow, it'd go away. But Reid admitting his experience just made her feel like crap for being a coward, so she said it. Like ripping off a band-aid. And yeah, it hurt like hell.

The team wasn't yet to the stage of acceptance, so her even mentioning that day brought an array of emotions to their faces, namely guilt, which, of course disappeared in seconds. Then they kept professional and moved on, and Emily attempted to move on too, to focus on the case.

But it seemed the more she avoided it, the more it came back to haunt her.

Emily Prentiss had been officially dead for 3 minutes. Three whole minutes. She's heard stories, yeah, of people near-dying and having religious experiences. The light, shadowy figure, the whole thing.

Maybe if she'd seen that it would've been a relief.

But no, all she saw was god-damn darkness. And she felt cold, that she remembers too.

But she also remembers feeling blissfully numb. All the pain had gone away, it felt like she was floating. It was just so peaceful, so, slowly, she started to give in to the blackness.

Emily prided herself on being strong, brave, on not giving up. But in that ambulance, she'd been ready to give in. To just throw her life away and face death. She hated herself for it.

Maybe, just maybe, if there was a voice, a figure, telling her it wasn't her time, like for Reid, she would've kept fighting. But there wasn't, it was just blackness.

She didn't know what possessed her to save the UnSub that day at the lake. She told him it wasn't his time, she realized. Maybe, subconsciously, she wanted to be that voice for someone. The voice that made them keep fighting, that told them their life was worth something. Even if that person was a cold-blooded killer.

And some part of her, as much as she hated to admit it, wanted to know if it'd changed. If he saw something different the second time, if what she saw had the chance of changing. Of course, she didn't dare ask, but she hoped that his face would reveal something. And it did – fear. He was scared, maybe because it didn't change, maybe because it'd gotten worse – Emily realized she didn't want to know.

Honestly, she was just scared. Emily Prentiss was scared. She was scared that she understood the UnSub, that she felt the same way. It terrified her. But the truth is, she doesn't want to see the blackness when she actually dies. Anything would be better, she thinks. And she hopes that it will change. That next time, she would see something, anything.

Because some voice in the back of her mind, the same one that makes her relive that day over and over, says that maybe she'd not good enough. People – good people – saw light, happiness, the promise of something good. She wasn't your everyday definition of good. Maybe that's just what waited for her in the afterlife – darkness and cold.

So she wanted to change, maybe with some foolish hope that what she saw would change too, that maybe she'd be forgiven.

But before change could come, she had to move past the events of that day, she had to stop torturing herself with memories.

And she knew she had a lot of work to do.

* * *

><p><p>

She noticed he'd been staring. Ever since they got on the plane, he hadn't taken his eyes off of her. It was kind of annoying, actually. Especially because he knew she noticed, yet he wasn't doing anything. Just staring.

"You got something to say, say it Morgan.", she said, hostility in her voice.

"You were dead.", he simply said, his words questioning, but a statement all the same.

"For three minutes.", she confirmed, her tone softer this time.

"And, nothing?"

"Nope. Just darkness. And, kind of a weird peace, you know? The pain went away. I kind of even welcomed it.", she said, voice becoming softer in her last words. She turned away, ashamed. She'd given up. She didn't want anyone to know, but here she was, laying it all out for him.

He just nodded and looked away, thinking.

There was a long silence before he spoke.

"You were expecting death, that's why you welcomed it."

"You think?", she said, trying to hide the hope in her voice. Maybe she wasn't as weak as she convinced herself. Just maybe.

"I know, Emily. You asked me to let you go. You wouldn't do that unless you were ready to die.", he said, looking her in the eyes.

Again, she was surprised how well he knew her.

She didn't know she'd actually said it. That day, on the warehouse floor, she remembers seeing his face, his words to her, and she remembers THINKING for him to let her go.

She didn't think she had the energy to say it, and she didn't want to leave him with that kind of burden. Damn, she guessed she did.

"I'm sorry, I should've never-"

"It's okay Emily. I forgave you the minute I saw you in that conference room.", he said with such absolution in his voice that she was sure it was true. And she was grateful. One less thing to worry about, one less thing to torture her conscience.

She just smiled at him as they settled into a comfortable silence.

It must've lasted a couple of minutes before she broke it.

"You're right, I was ready to die that day. But I'm glad I didn't."

"Me too Prentiss, me too.", he said, smiling at her as he put his headphones in.

Yeah, she thought about that day more than she wanted to. She constantly apologized and hoped. Her life, now, was a game of what if's, apologies and hazy memories. But somehow, she would reach peace. Maybe through realization, forgiveness, or even talks like this with her friends.

Someday, it would all be okay. All the mysteries would be solved, all the hurt forgotten. Then, she would finally be at peace, and she could start to change. Someday. She had to believe that. Even if she knew that day wasn't coming anytime soon.

**[Let me know if you liked it! Reviews make my day :)]**


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